I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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