I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
