ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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