Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
