So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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