I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
