....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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