you're like a bully in the Christmas story
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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