I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
