And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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