everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
