everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
