I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
do nipples grow back?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
