He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize