I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
