yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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