nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
