the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
