I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
