so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
