can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
