I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
