The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize