Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
