So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize