he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
