If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
