I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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