Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
