I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
