Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
