I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
