I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
