can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
