the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
accomplished twins. life is a go
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
