I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
