dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
