i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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