just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
