we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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