I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
