her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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