I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
