just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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