Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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