I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
