so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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