I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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