My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
