"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
