Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You need a sexual gate keeper
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize