Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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