3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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