You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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