Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
