So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your penis caused this!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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