I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
