Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
