R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
