apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
