rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
