3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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