I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My feet surprised me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
