Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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